my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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