i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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