Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Please don't give away my fajitas
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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