tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
pop tarts are not kleenex
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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