"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
