if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
