Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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