Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
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Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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