She is in my trunk
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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