Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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