Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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