Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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