her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
