I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
