so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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