Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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