Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Still dying that you shit outside
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
