Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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