we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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