I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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