just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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