The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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