Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
