I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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