New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
