I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
