I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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