Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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