I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
