Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
