it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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