I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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