i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
