My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
