I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
