i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
