I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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