he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
