Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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