She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
