there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
