I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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