tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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