I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
