If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i came on her dog
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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