Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
