My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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