mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
