This is not my ceiling
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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