honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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