Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
