ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
