you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
