you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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