I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
