I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
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He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
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My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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