Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
