The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
