i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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